The Forward Journey of Adopting an Older Child

1. Why an older child? 

I​n the United States hundreds of thousands of children go through the foster care system every year, but not all children end up in the care of DCFS. No, sometimes they end up in the funnel of an agency in helping them find a forever home. What is the difference? DCFS is more widely known, foster parents get paid by the state, and it leaves the door open for birth parents to be reunited with their children. On the flip side, agencies suggest permanence, the birth parents surrender their rights, they do not get funneled through the state system, but is incredibly expensive from an adoptive parent perspective. Regardless, these kids need homes and some adoptive parents aren’t looking for a newborn, rather, they feel led to step into the life of a little one that were handed a rough hand so far. 

2. What does that look like financially? 

Increasing costs around the country, agency and attorney fees are continuing to skyrocket. One agency increased their total from $39,500 to $55,000 for an adoption start to finish. It can be incredibly deterring to a family in hopes to grow their family in this way. Grants do not make it easy either. Hundreds of grants are you there for you to apply for, but finding them, going through their cumbersome processes, and keeping them organized is an exhausting task and an unfortunate reality of what adoptive families face. And you need them. The average family must have grants to avoid massive debt. It’s a lamentable process keeping children from finding their forever home. 

3. What about the transition? 

‘​Grief is not linear’. What a contemplative statement. It’s been quoted by authors, journalists and researchers alike, and I would agree. Watching a three-year old lose everything she has ever known compounded by a new schedule, environment, and family and you are headed on a roller coaster. Play therapy, community, and structure are three components of the same puzzle that allow for thriving. With other children inside the home it allows for even more transition moments, emotions flaring in unfamiliar ways both by the adopted child and current children alike. Finding outlets and freedom moments are an ever-present conversation, incorporating the child’s likes and dislikes as well as the wisdom of the adoptive parents. One in which we are testing is after school programs in which she chooses a couple times a week. Freedom of choice coinciding with structure to thrive.

4. What about the future? 

T​here is no doubt that adoptive children do not overcome the challenges they have faced within a couple weeks, months, or years, no, a set expectation this will be a lifelong journey of proclaiming their worth and inviting their emotions, hearts, and questions into conversations when they arise should be the normal. Therapy should ebb and flow through different seasons of life, not simply when struggles seem to arise, but when transitions occur, and the child grows in maturity. Closed adoptions and open adoptions can look different, and some of these conversations will come in different seasons because of those factors. Adoptive parents need to be observant and aware in all seasons and circumstances. 

5. Is it worth it? 

T​here is not a doubt in our minds that adoption is worth it. God calls us to take care of the orphan, just like He has adopted us as sons and daughters. It’s a wish that comes straight from the heart of the Father. Like I am sure He would say, parenting is never easy, but the work is worth it. The work of home study, therapy, grant applications, and the late nights in tears is easy to parent, but the work is worth it. not easy to parent, but the work is worth it.