Profound Loss and Hopeful Proximity

Until a month ago there had only been two losses that truly impacted me on a large scale. The loss of one of my closest friends from childhood at 18, and the loss of my grandfather at 24. Those were roller coaster rides I never wanted to be on (no one ever does). No one foresees the loss of a friend when you aren’t even a step into adulthood, or the expectation of several more years with a loved one and that time gets cut incredibly short, and yet I am blessed.

In the past 10 years, my world hasn’t had the walls are closing in with grief. Although I’ve walked through seasons with friends in the throws of that kind of grief, in past seasons, the funerals we’ve attended often felt more peripheral or ‘expected.’ They were difficult, but not devastating.

But that was never going to last life on this earth does end.

I went on a walk this morning, I was wrestling in waves of the season of hope, hard, transition, and loss, it overwhelmed and a little over a mile in the tears came. They hadn’t come Thursday night when I found out about my second friend meeting Jesus in just over a month, they didn’t come over the weekend, but they were lying in wait. In the perfect culmination the started and they didn’t care to stop – and it was okay.

And He was near, the name of God that I’ve clung to the most this season is Comforter. There have been moments where his presence was tangible admits heartbreak and overwhelm.

In the gospel’s and in 1 John Comforter is used as a name of God in relation to the Holy Spirit – when I looked at that context it also pairs him as Advocate. I love that imagery. The fact he is near, he knows your pain, he is grieving alongside you AND in the same breath he’s advocating on your behalf.

He’s sitting in your suffering and spurring you on to keep going, to stay the course, to rely on His strength in the days ahead.

When our friend Erin passed from cancer at the beginning of October, I remember the waves of grief were not only in losing my friend and someone who brought me encouragement, guidance, and fun conversation in past seasons but it was simultaneously for the kids that are still here walking into holiday seasons and graduation without her, and this depiction of the comfort and advocate in his holy presence was such a beautiful realization.

A week ago our friend, Nick passed away from cancer as well, him and his family were there at the beginning of Jon and I’d relationship. We walked through young adult ministry together, weddings of our friends, baby showers; what a beautiful realization of consistency and intentionality it was. It challenged me.

I have since tried to cling to that same hope of comfort & advocate all while celebrating the healing and life he now is experiencing with our Savior.

I thumbed through my phone for photos of Erin & Nick, clinging to their memories, my heart fracturing for their families, and the overwhelm for losing people in such short succession. Cherishing the last text we have from Nick just a couple weeks ago that will one day disappear. So much finality, yet with assurance it’s truly a ‘see ya later’.

It is profound loss and hopeful proximity that only the Lord can fill in the spaces of.